How to go on from here?

Things turned a bit nasty in June. My Dad had a real and sudden downturn with the cancer and I had to get him to hospital after a fall. Secondaries in his hip meant that they could do nothing but try and ease the pain. He passed on the 11th June and, after seeing him in his last few days, I think it was a mercy. My Brother and I did a stand up and talk at the funeral, nothing religious, just talking memories and the suchlike. After that I suddenly realised that my life had changed with the loss. No more cycling to York and Woodvale with him. No More family get togethers at his house on a Sunday. I also feel a slight sense of freedom that I no longer have to live in guilt at not doing things the way he reckoned they should be done. It's a month since the funeral and today is the first day that I have started to look forward in life since he went. It was agreed earlier in the year that I would not get anything from the estate due to the fact that it would be his posessions financing the paying of my bankruptcy fees and all has gone to the others in the family. I understand that and would have been ashamed if it had been any other way.
Despite his death being from Lung Cancer I am srill sneaking a few smokes here and there, the sign of a true addict! I have been working on the diet but with the lack of cycling and any form of exercise I'm not losing weight yet. I an hoping to get out on my trike a few short rides over the next few weeks and get myself in some sotr of decent shape. I would like to go to the Cycling Rally at Mildenhall this year so that is a target for me now. Main thing is to get on with my life and remember to appreciate the time I have.

Feeling relief?

The Bankruptcy petition went through on the 1st May and I walked out of the court feeling that I had either made a really positive move or a really negative one, not sure which.
Since then I realise that it is all Out of my Control now so I can't screw things up anymore than I did before and that gives some form of relief. I had the interview with the official receivers examiner and she helped to put me at ease, good and professional. I still have the fear that I could be given a restriction order that could last for up to 15 years but even that would be better than the 28 years of paying to a debt management company as the situation was.
I've stopped and started and stopped and started again with the smoking. Latest one is that I finished my last cigarette at 11-44am on the 24th May 2008 and after 35 hours I haven't had another one yet. I feel pretty out of my head with it all but I understand that a lot of my addiction is Psychological so I have to learn a new way of life. I had a really bad time of it with the diet, put more weight on and peaked at 20 stones and 6 pounds, the heaviest I've ever been! I've put myself in Unclespuggers hands totally with the diet. If he doesn't tell me to eat it, I don't eat it and I MUST eat what he tells me to. Habits as ingrained as the food and smoking are going to be hard to change but I am determined to make it right this year.
I've not done any long rides on the Trike yet but have kept quite a few small rides going. 12 to 18 milers maybe three times a week so I am feeling a little more confident to start trying futrher afield again. It's only three years or so back that I was doing 800 mile months regularly.
I've booked myself in to the York CTC (Cycling) rally in late June and I will try and ride both ways and camp en route. It will be 6 nights away from home and without the ability to crawl into my shell but I want to do it and will have a go.
Unclespuggers had his Gastric bypass surgery about 2 months ago and has lost over 7 stones in that time, pretty amazing amount! He is having problems though as he can't eat anything without feeling bloated and nauseous. The actual amount he is supposed to eat is tiny and it makes it hard to find food in small enough portions. He would go back and reverse the deed if he could. He is seeing the Surgeon on Tuesday of next week and I hope they tell him that something is not right and that there is a way of fixing it. He can't go on like he is now as it is hell for him.
I've shed my whinges for now so thanks for reading and I'll moan again next time.

Long time no speak!!!

Haven't been here this year yet! So much going on that I have had my nerves ruling me and not thought about it at all!
Dad had the Radiotherapy and he's just seen the specialist again last week. Apparently there has been more deterioration and he's seeing the Mac Millan nurse today. Sad news and I hope I can help by being as Positive as I can for him and being there for him when he needs company.
My health has been up and down. Things seem to have stabilised a bit since last I wrote but the 12 year Headache is still going through the extra bad days here and there.
I've taken a big plunge regarding my finances and am petitioning for Bankruptcy. The Citizens advice Bureau say that I could poosibly have some of the debts written off as "Irresponsible lending" but they also say it could take a year or more for them to find out if they were successful in that and, by that time, I would have a shedload of ccj's and maybe even get taken to Bankruptcy by one or more of the creditors so it's better to go for it now, 1st May in court.
I have managed to get myself riding a little bit more at last but the trike isn't excactly scorching through the miles yet. Few 15 mile type rides at a slow pace is the best I've managed so far.
The one BIG negative is that, bearing in mind you have to pay to go bankrupt!, the Motability car got scraped and the money I had saved for the financial thing had to be used on the insurance excess so i would have been a bankrupt already if it hadn't been for that!
I've been told that internet is not one of the "Normal daily living expenses" according to the official receiver so I might lose that for a year or more. Hope the places I go and the people I know are still around when I finally get back online.
All negatives agin, but you're used to that by now I suppose!
I'll do more when I know the score. Thanks for reading.

2007 ends and a New year to come!

Let's get this straight from the start! I haven't COMPLETELY stopped smoking yet and I am ashamed of my weak willed, lilly livered excuse making self!
I haven't put anything on here for a while as I have had a lot of distractions, some bad.
Dad has been diagnosed with Lung Cancer. He's had a session of radiotherapy for a few weeks and it's now the "Wait and see how things go" period. It's a sad fact that this might be the last Christmas we have with him around and I hope it isn't. I was in the lucky position, having got the licence and a car, of being able to drive hime the 50 mile round trip for the therapy and it meant that he wasn't going through it alone at least. I've had a bit of a bad health time again. Same problem as the last few and that is the changing of medications, trying different ones and changing doses etc. I am on a regime of trying to stabilize things for a few weeks to give my body a chance to settle and see how things really are at the moment. Not done much cycling at all but have managed to start getting out a little bit this month. Given orders by brother Dave that I have to have a small ride every day, regardless of health or weather conditions. I think I need a kick up the Wossname sometimes and that might just be the key to getting things moving again.
I've made a few tentative plans for 2008, camping meets and stuff like that, and I am going to make sure I am prepared for them this time, rather than leaving things to the last few days and just going for it.
It's my 46th Birthday on the 24th of January so I want to be a non- smoker and have started the weight loss proper by the time that rolls round. I know that I am the only one who can actually make the changes, I can't be watched 24 hours a day, but I will do it this time.

It is so annoying to me that every time I write here it is a moaning session!
Next time I will have some good things to say. I can't control some of the bad things but I can make positive changes in my own small way.

I hope all that read this have a prosperous, healthy and happy time of it in 2008.

What can I say now?

Last post was a "Definite" on the smoking cessation. I did it... for two whole days and then started again.
Since then I have spent just short of £100-00 on cigarettes and have been thinking of all the other, useful, things I could have done with the money as well as not shortening my life expectancy!
SO!!!! Tonight's the night again and this time I have no more in hiding to sneak out when I feel the need.
Deep respect to anybody that has managed to lose the addiction and I hope I can join you now.

Time for a change!

I’m stopping smoking after tonight for definite. No ifs or buts. I have to do it this time and I WILL do it this time. I know I’m going to try and fail but I wont let myself. There’s no way of proving it but Dads cancer is almost certainly a result of smoking. Mother died with lung disease from smoking. Same with Uncle Eddie and Aunt Lillian.
I really don’t want to go the same way!
I have got to try and get positive with life again as I used to be. Dave will dictate the diet from Wednesday onwards, I have food in to last me until then and I have to start getting more physical exercise, riding and walking etc. Basically, it is time for a life change!
I have plenty of cigarettes to last me until the night is over and then I buy no more.

What a month!!¬!!!!!

To start with. I got my licence back and have done quite a bit of driving already. Don't like it!
Bad news in the family as my Dad just got diagnosed with Cancer so I am already on a downer about that. Other family problems are a close relative is having a total breakdown and I am doing the receiving and dealing with thingts as much as I can. Only positive to that is that it is taking my mind off my own problems and I am getting things moving and involving myself in the health workings. Done very little riding, actually sold one of the bikes, brand new with only 20 miles on it! I've bought a Tiny 2nd hand car for if I need it but it is in the garage and I haven't taxed it yet, don't intend to until I have to use it for something special. It's a little Fiat, only 900cc so it is slow and economical. Missed the Mildenhall cycle rally as finance just was not available so it'll have to be a "Next Year" jobbie there. Got to try and find other hobbies than just the cycling as I'm not doing much of that or anything at the moment. Having said that, I am deeply involved with the family's needs so it is focussing me. Dads in hospital for tests today so we might know a bit more of the prognosis soon and I hope it is as positive as it can be.
Thanks for listening to the moans!