Pedaldogs progress

How to go on from here?

2008-07-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

Things turned a bit nasty in June. My Dad had a real and sudden downturn with the cancer and I had to get him to hospital after a fall. Secondaries in his hip meant that they could do nothing but try and ease the pain. He passed on the 11th June and, after seeing him in his last few days, I think it was a mercy. My Brother and I did a stand up and talk at the funeral, nothing religious, just talking memories and the suchlike. After that I suddenly realised that my life had changed with the loss. No more cycling to York and Woodvale with him. No More family get togethers at his house on a Sunday. I also feel a slight sense of freedom that I no longer have to live in guilt at not doing things the way he reckoned they should be done. It's a month since the funeral and today is the first day that I have started to look forward in life since he went. It was agreed earlier in the year that I would not get anything from the estate due to the fact that it would be his posessions financing the paying of my bankruptcy fees and all has gone to the others in the family. I understand that and would have been ashamed if it had been any other way.
Despite his death being from Lung Cancer I am srill sneaking a few smokes here and there, the sign of a true addict! I have been working on the diet but with the lack of cycling and any form of exercise I'm not losing weight yet. I an hoping to get out on my trike a few short rides over the next few weeks and get myself in some sotr of decent shape. I would like to go to the Cycling Rally at Mildenhall this year so that is a target for me now. Main thing is to get on with my life and remember to appreciate the time I have.

Feeling relief?

2008-05-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

The Bankruptcy petition went through on the 1st May and I walked out of the court feeling that I had either made a really positive move or a really negative one, not sure which.
Since then I realise that it is all Out of my Control now so I can't screw things up anymore than I did before and that gives some form of relief. I had the interview with the official receivers examiner and she helped to put me at ease, good and professional. I still have the fear that I could be given a restriction order that could last for up to 15 years but even that would be better than the 28 years of paying to a debt management company as the situation was.
I've stopped and started and stopped and started again with the smoking. Latest one is that I finished my last cigarette at 11-44am on the 24th May 2008 and after 35 hours I haven't had another one yet. I feel pretty out of my head with it all but I understand that a lot of my addiction is Psychological so I have to learn a new way of life. I had a really bad time of it with the diet, put more weight on and peaked at 20 stones and 6 pounds, the heaviest I've ever been! I've put myself in Unclespuggers hands totally with the diet. If he doesn't tell me to eat it, I don't eat it and I MUST eat what he tells me to. Habits as ingrained as the food and smoking are going to be hard to change but I am determined to make it right this year.
I've not done any long rides on the Trike yet but have kept quite a few small rides going. 12 to 18 milers maybe three times a week so I am feeling a little more confident to start trying futrher afield again. It's only three years or so back that I was doing 800 mile months regularly.
I've booked myself in to the York CTC (Cycling) rally in late June and I will try and ride both ways and camp en route. It will be 6 nights away from home and without the ability to crawl into my shell but I want to do it and will have a go.
Unclespuggers had his Gastric bypass surgery about 2 months ago and has lost over 7 stones in that time, pretty amazing amount! He is having problems though as he can't eat anything without feeling bloated and nauseous. The actual amount he is supposed to eat is tiny and it makes it hard to find food in small enough portions. He would go back and reverse the deed if he could. He is seeing the Surgeon on Tuesday of next week and I hope they tell him that something is not right and that there is a way of fixing it. He can't go on like he is now as it is hell for him.
I've shed my whinges for now so thanks for reading and I'll moan again next time.

Long time no speak!!!

2008-04-21T02:05:00.000-07:00

Haven't been here this year yet! So much going on that I have had my nerves ruling me and not thought about it at all!
Dad had the Radiotherapy and he's just seen the specialist again last week. Apparently there has been more deterioration and he's seeing the Mac Millan nurse today. Sad news and I hope I can help by being as Positive as I can for him and being there for him when he needs company.
My health has been up and down. Things seem to have stabilised a bit since last I wrote but the 12 year Headache is still going through the extra bad days here and there.
I've taken a big plunge regarding my finances and am petitioning for Bankruptcy. The Citizens advice Bureau say that I could poosibly have some of the debts written off as "Irresponsible lending" but they also say it could take a year or more for them to find out if they were successful in that and, by that time, I would have a shedload of ccj's and maybe even get taken to Bankruptcy by one or more of the creditors so it's better to go for it now, 1st May in court.
I have managed to get myself riding a little bit more at last but the trike isn't excactly scorching through the miles yet. Few 15 mile type rides at a slow pace is the best I've managed so far.
The one BIG negative is that, bearing in mind you have to pay to go bankrupt!, the Motability car got scraped and the money I had saved for the financial thing had to be used on the insurance excess so i would have been a bankrupt already if it hadn't been for that!
I've been told that internet is not one of the "Normal daily living expenses" according to the official receiver so I might lose that for a year or more. Hope the places I go and the people I know are still around when I finally get back online.
All negatives agin, but you're used to that by now I suppose!
I'll do more when I know the score. Thanks for reading.

2007 ends and a New year to come!

2007-12-27T11:28:00.000-08:00

Let's get this straight from the start! I haven't COMPLETELY stopped smoking yet and I am ashamed of my weak willed, lilly livered excuse making self!
I haven't put anything on here for a while as I have had a lot of distractions, some bad.
Dad has been diagnosed with Lung Cancer. He's had a session of radiotherapy for a few weeks and it's now the "Wait and see how things go" period. It's a sad fact that this might be the last Christmas we have with him around and I hope it isn't. I was in the lucky position, having got the licence and a car, of being able to drive hime the 50 mile round trip for the therapy and it meant that he wasn't going through it alone at least. I've had a bit of a bad health time again. Same problem as the last few and that is the changing of medications, trying different ones and changing doses etc. I am on a regime of trying to stabilize things for a few weeks to give my body a chance to settle and see how things really are at the moment. Not done much cycling at all but have managed to start getting out a little bit this month. Given orders by brother Dave that I have to have a small ride every day, regardless of health or weather conditions. I think I need a kick up the Wossname sometimes and that might just be the key to getting things moving again.
I've made a few tentative plans for 2008, camping meets and stuff like that, and I am going to make sure I am prepared for them this time, rather than leaving things to the last few days and just going for it.
It's my 46th Birthday on the 24th of January so I want to be a non- smoker and have started the weight loss proper by the time that rolls round. I know that I am the only one who can actually make the changes, I can't be watched 24 hours a day, but I will do it this time.

It is so annoying to me that every time I write here it is a moaning session!
Next time I will have some good things to say. I can't control some of the bad things but I can make positive changes in my own small way.

I hope all that read this have a prosperous, healthy and happy time of it in 2008.

What can I say now?

2007-10-17T13:12:00.001-07:00

Last post was a "Definite" on the smoking cessation. I did it... for two whole days and then started again.
Since then I have spent just short of £100-00 on cigarettes and have been thinking of all the other, useful, things I could have done with the money as well as not shortening my life expectancy!
SO!!!! Tonight's the night again and this time I have no more in hiding to sneak out when I feel the need.
Deep respect to anybody that has managed to lose the addiction and I hope I can join you now.

Time for a change!

2007-09-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

I’m stopping smoking after tonight for definite. No ifs or buts. I have to do it this time and I WILL do it this time. I know I’m going to try and fail but I wont let myself. There’s no way of proving it but Dads cancer is almost certainly a result of smoking. Mother died with lung disease from smoking. Same with Uncle Eddie and Aunt Lillian.
I really don’t want to go the same way!
I have got to try and get positive with life again as I used to be. Dave will dictate the diet from Wednesday onwards, I have food in to last me until then and I have to start getting more physical exercise, riding and walking etc. Basically, it is time for a life change!
I have plenty of cigarettes to last me until the night is over and then I buy no more.

What a month!!¬!!!!!

2007-08-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

To start with. I got my licence back and have done quite a bit of driving already. Don't like it!
Bad news in the family as my Dad just got diagnosed with Cancer so I am already on a downer about that. Other family problems are a close relative is having a total breakdown and I am doing the receiving and dealing with thingts as much as I can. Only positive to that is that it is taking my mind off my own problems and I am getting things moving and involving myself in the health workings. Done very little riding, actually sold one of the bikes, brand new with only 20 miles on it! I've bought a Tiny 2nd hand car for if I need it but it is in the garage and I haven't taxed it yet, don't intend to until I have to use it for something special. It's a little Fiat, only 900cc so it is slow and economical. Missed the Mildenhall cycle rally as finance just was not available so it'll have to be a "Next Year" jobbie there. Got to try and find other hobbies than just the cycling as I'm not doing much of that or anything at the moment. Having said that, I am deeply involved with the family's needs so it is focussing me. Dads in hospital for tests today so we might know a bit more of the prognosis soon and I hope it is as positive as it can be.
Thanks for listening to the moans!

Keep trying!

2007-08-04T02:27:00.000-07:00

I tried to keep the positive attitude fromj the June stuff but the health problems came pretty big in July and I've had three weeks solid of a lot of pain, feeling depressed and generally being unmotivated. I've managed a few small rides just to keep going but not a lot. I think I am, touch wood, picking up again a bit now. Managing some decent sleep and not waking to the feeling of dread with every day. Starting to make some tentative plans for a few small trips away from home over the next month or two at least.
One big thing that's on my mind atthe moment is my driving licence! I returned it for the health in 1998 and haven't used car or motorbike since. Recently I got a strange obsession with getting it back and have applied for it. I don't want another car or big bike but would love some sort of autocycle or a Velo Solex just to give me some independance and free range. It's with the DVLA doctors at the moment and whether they say yes or no I have no idea. Just need to know for sure and then it is finished business.

I think it was positive overall?

2007-06-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

I did it. Managed the CTC York Rally. Got a train to Leeds and cycled the last 25 miles or so. Managed to arrive about 5 minutes after the rain started!!!!! Pitched up and brewed coffee sitting and feeling pleased that I had made it. Dad arrived later and that was great as he reckons it's the last time he'll be able to do York. Sad but probably true. I met a few people that I knew from Forums, Clubs, Previous meeting etc and had some good chatting. Particular thanks to one fo the people, he knows who he is, that also had brain injuries and he was a help to me, whether he realised it or not. Had a walk to a local pub in the evening and socialised a bit, again something I am out of the habit of. Didn't drink alcohol as the recent drug changes make that a VERY bad thing to try as I found out at Rutland a few weeks ago. I was booked to come home on the Trains from Leeds on Sundal afternmoon so it was all in place and safe as far as I was concerned. Then I got a memory of how I used to travel years ago. Decide where you want to be and figure out how to get there. With that in mind I left the Rally on Saturday afternoon and rode to get some drugs as I had ran out of a few and my head was bad. Then just rolled up at the station with no cycle reservation and the thought that the worst scenario was that I would have to find a place to stay for the night of they wouldn't let the bike on due to others being there first. It went as smooth as silk and I am happier that I came home early the way I did than if I had stayed until Sunday and done the pre planned journey. First "Off the Cuff" thing I have done in years without a safety net and it felt good.
Great to meet the people, great to see York again and I hope next year I might even go on from the Rally for a few days, over the Humber bridge etc.
Might sound a bit dodgy but I feel happy at the way it alol went and I hope it has givenj me the courage to try a few more bits and pieces.

Feeling a bit frustrated!

2007-06-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest problem with brain injuries is that they are "Hidden Disabilities" in a lot of ways. Many people think there's nothing wrong other than a bit of a limp, even though there are times I can hardly move myself to walk at all. I had a weekend away cycle camping in late May and I think there was a bit of that there. One of the good people that turned up had a very noticeable problem with his legs and it kind of put me on the defensive, as if I had to justify myself, so I hope I wasn't too funny with the others at the meet as they were all good people and I hope to meet many of them again. The mental health is another problem altogether. I want to do so much but depression and lack of confidence these days stops me from trying even little things. The drugs do help in some ways but not all the time and I can come across as being very "I want to be alone" sometimes.
Themain point of this post is to apologise to the people at the Tramp/ Fell club meet if I wasn't excactly scintilating company and to say please don't shy away from me.

Nervously looking forward!

2007-05-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

I haven't smoked for over a month now. The physical cravings aren't as bad but I still find it wierd to be in a situation where I would have smoked not to.
Dad came up with the goods of his bribe and I've ordered a new recumbent bike that will be the 7th one of the same model that I've had in 4 years! This time I will keep it I'm certain of that.
I've done a few rides so far this month, not long ones, and it's hard to just make the first move of getting on the trike or bike. After that it's just the "Out of shape" problems and that should change over time.
In the early days after the accident I always managed to see the positive side of things but, this past year or so, it has been the other way round. I can remember being pleased when I first managed to take the dogs for a short walk rather than moaning about how I couldn't walk far. I am trying to get back into that frame of mind now so I might not do a lot but it is a lot more than was expected of me 11 years ago and it still is in some ways miraculous what I CAN do.
I have to concentrate on the things I can do rather than dwell on what I've lost so from now on I am looking onwards and upwards.

Time Passes

2007-04-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

This coming Sunday, 15th April, is 11 years since the motorbike accident that started the new life off. Sometimes I wish I had died but most of the time I feel thankful that I am alive and that I have been given a second chance at life.
I wrote last that I hadn't smoked for three weeks and was pleased. Then I smoked again, just a few, to try and "Play Games with family and influence things". It was stupid and went horribly wrong so I smoked for a week and a bit before I decided to stop again, this time for myself.
I haven't smoked in April and am beginning to get a buzz from the physical withdrawals, realising that it is a positive discomfort really. The psychological withdrawals are hell and I have come very close to doing the All night petrol station for cigarettes a few times. Dad has been a big help, partly with bribery and I appreciate that. Brother Dave has, as always, plagued the hell out of me and made sure I'm not lying about it, again I appreciate that too.
This year is the year that I set things up for the future. I might not actually DO as many things as I would like to but I will try and be in a position that I can do it all next year onwards.
I've got a few small plans for this next couple of months that involve cycling and camping, meeting people and socialising. That is something I have lost over the past few years of being so self involved and inward looking. I hope I dont make a Foxes Paw out of it all.
Bikepacker, Butterfly, Cycleman, Arrelcat, Hilldodger and many others are going to be stuck with me for a few days this year so I hope I don't blow the gig. Actually looking forward to it all a bit. Only real downer at the moment is the weight. I've been overcompensating for the loss of smoking by overeating and have put weight ON. It is, apparently, a common thing that happens to many when they stop but I have to start thinking clearly about losing the lard before I get past the point of no return. Again UncleSpuggers is willing to help me with the diet, as long as I keep up my end of the bargain with smoking etc, and I know he has the ability to sort me out properly.
I am praying that my Dad does manage to come up with the goods as far as his bribe goes. If he does it'll make a positive psychological difference to me and save me a long time of waiting for something I want badly.
Anyway, I'm off now. Thanks for reading and I hope I can say something more Up next time.

Small Steps.

2007-03-16T03:52:00.000-07:00

I've not improved much since I last wrote but there have been a few positives.
One MAJOR change is the smoking! I had a couple of tiny slips but haven't smoked for nearly three weeks now so I am happy about that. It has been such a priority that I haven't been concentrating on the other things though and the weight loss isn't. I'll start to look at that a bit now as I feel more confident. I've managed a few rides to keep mobile, done about 75 miles so far this month, and I am hoping to build up on that pretty quickly. Still ups and downs and, at the moment, the depression is taking the lead but I am sure I can get through it and things will get better again sometime soon. Getting help from family makes a difference and is apreciated.

The start!

2007-02-27T11:37:00.001-08:00

So, it’s about time I took a serious look at my life and see how it has been.
I think I’ve had a lot of good chances, taken many of them, and screwed most of them up. I’ve been selfish and greedy most of my life and I have no concept or ability for self denial. I’ve always started out any major changes or events with good intentions but never seem to have carried it through to the end. Job changes, two failed marriages, now a tenant when I have owned my own houses and a ridiculous, for my situation, amount of debt to business, friends and family.
It’s not looking very good is it?
The serious accident in 1996 (*1) changed the whole of my life without any help from me. I admit that getting the motorbike that I had the accident with was a self indulgence but the results were so big and are going to be felt for the rest of my life!
Looking at the state of my health at the moment I have to wonder just how long the rest of my life will be.
I am 45 years old and 5’ 8” tall.
I weigh 276lbs 19 stones and 9 pounds.
I smoke, varying amounts at the moment but has been 50 daily for a long time.
I do little or no physical exercise these days.
My body Mass Index is 41.1. Over 25 is morbidly Obese!
I think maybe it is time to do something about it and try to make positive changes.

I just finished reading a book “Diary of a Fat Man” by a New Zealand guy called Paul Jeffries and he lost 10 stones in 12 months. He was financially secure and was almost obsessive in his methods. I can’t do it his way, can’t afford it financially as much as anything else, but I do applaud his success and am going to use him as a role model.

We’re a day away from the new month of March 2007 and I will use that as a starting point for my “Trials and Tribulations” with an end date of 15th April 2008, that’ll be 12 years from the accident.

Excepting a win on the national lottery or something I can’t hope to have reduced the amount of money I am paying out in debts by much, if anything, in that time. I’m booked for over 20 years with the debt management company.
There are things I can change for the better though and the way forward is simply making my own decisions and sticking to them. I can make some difference financially in that I will have paid the family debts off by then so I’ll have a bit more money free. At the moment I spend the majority of what I have on cigarettes, food and more cigarettes and food. Both of these things are the main target of my time.

I should weigh somewhere near to the 11 stones 7 pounds level with my height and body frame, that’s a massive weight loss of 118 pounds to make in about 55 weeks, just over 2 pounds a week average! I enjoy eating and actually feel that I am missing something out of my life if I don’t eat when I want to. Problem is what I eat as much as how much. I’m not a fan of the specific diet types and plans but the G.I. diet seems to be a good, workable, one so I’ll look closer into that. Three years ago I was riding, albeit slowly, around 400 to 500 miles per month. In February this year I’ve done less than 50 and that has to have a big effect so I am going to start riding again whether I feel like it or not. It’s cheaper than a Gymnasium at least as I already have bikes and trikes. Most days I am out with my brother and the 1st thought is “Where are we going today?” followed swiftly by “And where do we eat?” This has to stop, for both of us that one. There are days when I can hardly walk with the pain and weakness resulting from the accident but there are other days when it’s just lack of motivation and willpower. I have to start thinking in the positive again. I need a few BIG changes and a lot of small changes, hope they add up to a good result.

I have smoked since I was a child of around 9 years old! I used to do milk rounds or paper rounds and the money was spent on smoking in the main. Things haven’t really changed much in 35 years or so. I want to stop smoking but I don’t want to stop smoking, if that makes any sense? I realise that the pleasure of the cigarette is mainly the relief of the craving from the last one but it IS a pleasure. I’ve gone up and down over the past couple of years and managed a few days here and there with none but it’s always crept back up to full time smoking again. It is restricting me in so many ways, health and finances, and it was smoking that was the root cause of losing my mother in 1996. I have been diagnosed as asthmatic so I am working an uphill road with a sack of coal on my back, the legs are bound to quit one of these days! I’ve felt pleased with myself when I’ve got through a night with only a few smokes but any is too many and I have to accept that now. I’m not going to do the “Last call” and smoke like a chimney until the start but, even if I do have some, it ALL STOPS in the new month. Again, financially, this will help me to pay some of the family debts quicker so I can actually have some money to do the things I should be doing and feel healthy enough to do them.

I need to start taking care of myself and my life in general. Clean and tidy myself and my surroundings. I used to be pretty house proud and these days I am ashamed of having a new visitor to see the squalor that I let myself live in. I’m going to do a Planned roster for household and personal things and try to stick to that all the time, maybe improve it in time?
I’m going to try and keep a record in general of the year or so involved and that way I can look at what works and what doesn’t work for me. I expect I’ll take a few wrong turns but as long as I pass the finishing post I’ll be a lot happier.

I tried...... Honestly

2007-02-15T11:58:00.000-08:00

Having read back and thought a lot I realised I had to make a positive start.
Spoke to my Nephew, aged 17, and arranged a ride from Lancaster to Preston and back. total of about 44 miles. As I am out of practice, older and overweight I relaised I would be slower than him so I lightened the luggage by taking only the basic tools with me. BAD MOVE
16 miles in I could hardly turn the pedals and I thought it was just the hemiplaegia having a bad on so I urged him to go on alone and I would turn back and make it slow home. Set off and within a mile or so I realised that BOTH my legs were struggling. Stopped and looked at the bike and the bottom bracket had unscrewed itself against the chainring and was locking it from turning. I had to get rescued by car as I had left the tools at home. If I had them with me I could have made it rideable within 5 minutes or so. Felt even more guilty when I found out that Nephew had got caught in snow and rain, no weather gear as is the fashionable youth of today, and had called for a car to rescue him as well.
Best I can say is that I tried and will keep trying. Bad pain today kept me to a 12 mile pootle but I am at least making the first move to getting back in the saddle.

A brief history......

2007-02-10T11:17:00.000-08:00

Just turned 45 years old, feeling 70!
Back in April 1996 i WAS HAPPILY MARRIED AND LIVING IN MY OWN HOUSE IN sUFFOLK, WORKING AS A NURSE. Set off to work one morning onthe motorbike and the bevel drive siezed up on a Z-bend. High sided me and put me in a "Not expected to survive the night" type coma for a few weeks. Diagnosed as "Traumatic Brain Injuries" which left me partly hemiplaegic, asthma, epilepsy, diabetes insipidus and in a permanent state of headache.
Wife was a nurse at work and, after I got home, a nurse at home too and it all became too much so we seperated. No Bad Feelings. I moved to Lancaster to be near family as carers andfound that I can cope most days. Used to travel a lot and was always very independant so when big brother got me onto a little pedal trike he didn't realise he had created a monster! I've spent over £20,000-00 on bikes and trikes since 1998 and don't regret any of it! I've had a bad health period since April 2006 when we tried some long term medication changes but has just got settled a month or so back and we tried some more changes so it sent me all a wibble again. Luckily I have family near to me or I wouldn't cope at all!
My main things of need these days are physical ones. I NEED to stop smoking as I am £30,000 in debt, on the dole and spending £10-00 a day on cigarettes that are slowly killing me. I need to lose weight. I went to 11 stones after the accident but am now 19 stones and at 5' 9 " that is FAT!
My main hobbies are cycling, camping and listening to music. I used to play but with the brain injuries I have no memory and can't even make sense of reading music but I am slowly trying to get my right hand to move a bit better and play a few basic things on guitars.
I have decided that 2007 is going to be a year of positive changes and, as long as I can get through the drug hassles, I will start to do things that I have shied away from recently. I'll not be as negative all the time, I tend to turn any conversations into a list of my woes, and I will make it to a few of the cycle/camping trips that I missed last year.
Anybody wants to comment I will read my blog at least weekly and would welcome your input.
Thanks for reading so far.

IDIOT!

2007-02-10T11:11:00.000-08:00

I managed to delete all the past posts so I am starting from scratch here.
Total idiot!!!!!

It's always downers!

2007-02-05T01:29:00.000-08:00

I thought things were starting to look up a few months ago when I last wrote. Then we changed some more medications and I was in a bad way, still not right yet!
I rpomise that by the end of February 2007 I will post something positive.